my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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