That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
