oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
