I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
thus making me awesome and them whores
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
