He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
