she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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