and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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