I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
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I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
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I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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