I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
