I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
