I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
