remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
