My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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