i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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