She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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