That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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