apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I love you. Go after that dick
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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