i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
