You smell like stripper and shame
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
