I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
