textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
