I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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