Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
