Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
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My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
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Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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