I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
