Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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