Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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