when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
