wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
