So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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