remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
