I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
