By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
