I met the friendliest cop last night
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
