You were right. It hurts to walk today.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
