Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
