I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
