I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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