Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
