so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
