i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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