I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
