I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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