clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
