I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
