the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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