I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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