Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
