It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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