Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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