just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
