i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
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Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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