I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
