I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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