do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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