I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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