she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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